


he watched, he stayed, he loved

by thesecretsoftheuniverse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love, apart from the ship everyone is simply mentioned ok, but not really, one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 01:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18511240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecretsoftheuniverse/pseuds/thesecretsoftheuniverse
Summary: For the first time after almost a century, James felt alive.He just never thought it would hurt this much.i don't know where this came from, i am so sorry(everything one-sided)





	he watched, he stayed, he loved

**Author's Note:**

> ok listen up gays
> 
> i wrote this in like 10 minutes and then worked on it a bit later for like another 10 minutes
> 
> this is like the second thing I'm writing that isn't text messages or tweets or phone-calls
> 
> also english isn't my first language  
> but even in my first language i've always had problems with commas
> 
> so there will be a lot of mistakes  
> sorry
> 
> i hope you like *soft* pain

 

For the first time after almost a century, James felt alive.

He just never thought it would hurt this much.

 

When the pardons for the so-called ‘Rogue Avengers’ came through they weren’t what anyone expected. With the help of the UN-Commitee Tony Stark and Col. James Rhodes expanded the team that was left behind after the Civil War. There was no need for the ex-Avengers that left them when things got rough, not really.

Instead, they were all ordered to go to start therapy, citing the various missions, traumatic events and backgrounds as their reasoning. And they weren’t wrong. James knew that Steve really needed it, even if the guy acted like he didn’t. So they all went. Not willingly, but they agreed. Most of them went thinking they’d be back within a few weeks.There was training and therapy and education and more therapy.

 

James was lucky, being able to keep the same therapist that he had in Wakanda.

After getting rid of his triggers with techonolgy provided by none other than Tony Stark in Wakanda, James started going to therapy regularly. He liked his therapist and was happy to know that there was someone who could help him sort through his thoughts and feelings. 

So when he got to the US and was allowed to live at the Avengers Compound with the others and still keep his therapist he started to seek out the man that had given him back his mind. It was difficult at first, the conversations tense and members of the Avengers always showing up after a few minutes, but James understood and didn’t push. He knew getting back from what they had been through would be difficult and he was immensely grateful that Stark had given him a chance to live his life freely instead of ordering him to go back to fighting. He even told the man as much. 

Some nights he missed the royal family of Wakanda. Through it all the King and his family had grown fond of James and James had gotten to know them was more than just ‘the royals’. He missed them, even though they still called (or texted, in Shuri’s case) and met each other whenever the others were in the US for business or politics.

It got easier the longer he was back in the US. Not because he made more friends, not necessarily. Sure, he and the active Avengers were civil and he got along with some of them just fine. And it wasn’t because he had gotten used to missing his adopted family either.

Surprisingly enough, it was Tony Stark.  
  


When he watched the man train with his team or talk to his pseudo-children he felt something warm grow in his chest. When the man fixed his arm and introduced him to his bots he felt genuine happiness. When he finally got to talk and get to know the kids that ran around the labs and training rooms at all times of the day he felt like he was finally home. When he watched the man talk to his AIs and create something new in his lab or when he saw the man come up with ways to improve previous designs of suits or SI products he saw his future. And he felt completely safe and comfortable for the first time after a long time.

Living together with the man that gave him back his mind, even though he had every right to tear it to pieces with his bare hands, was fascinating.

Watching said man looking at his older friends with pain in his eyes was disheartening.  
And seeing the man that had stolen his heart look at his old friend with heartbreak and longing in his eyes, while the other was busy ignoring him, was painful.

Nevertheless, he stayed. He stayed, because the others didn’t. He stayed, even if it hurt. He stayed and watched and talked and loved and learned to love everyone surrounding the man who gave him his freedom back, even if it hurt. 

Because no pain could ever compare to how light and free he felt anytime he heard Tony laugh. It couldn’t compare to the way he felt when Tony tried to hide his smiles after talking to one of the kids. It could never compare to how loudly his heart beat in his chest when he saw the fond look in Tony's eyes anytime he looked at his bots or when his AIs grew and did something new.

James always knew that Tony Stark was drop-dead gorgeous and incredibly sexy. It was only when he started venturing out and talking to the residents of the Compound that he understood that Tony Stark was beautiful in every single way.

Even when the genius decided to visit his old teammates, the ones that left him when he needed them most, he would be as kind and understanding as possible. He was beautiful in the way he still loved them. In the way he still loved **_him_**.

James tried to stop. Tried to stop hurting and tried to keep his distance, though he never tried to stop loving Tony. He already knew it was pointless. No one was ever be able to stop once they knew what loving Tony Stark felt like. Some died, some lost themselves, others stayed in any way they could. But none of them were able to stop.

He knew it wasn’t healthy to stay around, but he couldn’t leave. It was impossible to leave.

 

Right until he had to.

 

Deep down he knew he would have to go sooner or later. He ignored that feeling as long as he could but he knew he couldn’t fight it when he watched the man he fell in love with look at the stars one night and felt more alive than he had since before he ever got drafted for the war.

Watching Tony Stark watch the stars with both wonder and fear written so clearly across his face, he knew that it was time to go. He wished he could stop time and stare at the man he loved forever, but he knew it was impossible. 

So that night, after watching Tony Stark fall asleep in his chair on the roof under the stars, he called his other family and asked if they would have him back.

 

When he left, he left with heavy heart and technology that would keep him connected too all the residents and not-really-residents of the Compound. He left with a connection to all the AIs and robots he got to know over the years of living there. As he left, he saw the Colonel watch him with something akin to wonder, compassion and gratefulness in his eyes and knew then that the man understood, even as his best friend stood beside him looking confused and utterly hurt. 

Leaving and knowing that he would be the one to cause the man he loved, the man that gave him everything, even more pain broke him. 

 

When he got back to Wakanda the royal family and their staff seemed happy to have him back, though he knew that they knew that something was different. He had missed them, their kindness and spirit, their energy and their wisdom. He had missed them fiercely and was grateful that they had taken him back. 

He spent his days getting back into an old routine, getting to know new staff members and spending time with the closest thing he had to a family in this lifetime.

He was grieving, he knew he was. And his family did too.

When the Mother asked him what he was running from this time he simply told her ‘heartbreak’.She nodded and stayed seated next to him, watching the stars. She understood. They all did.  
  


So he stayed in Wakanda. Away from the man that not only gave him back his mind but also pieced together his heart without ever intending to do so. He stayed in Wakanda, far away from the man that had made him feel more alive than he ever had been.

He decided to stay and learn to live with both the pain and the peace that came with loving Tony Stark. 

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah
> 
> idk if I'm gonna write a sequel or something  
> for now i have 0 intention of doing so  
> i never thought i would become one of those people.....jesus christ is this what being on my period does to my inspiration for writing????
> 
> anyways i have no beta reader because i know no one and also i am scared of judgement 
> 
> please be nice i am very sensitive


End file.
